As Andrew kissed me goodbye in the morning I murmured groggily, “I dreamed I was a zombie.” (The things I say in a half awake state must be a never ending source of amusement for him).  But the dream stuck with me and I felt totally perplexed.  How could I be a zombie and not a zombie at the same time?

Time was when you were dead in your sins and wickedness, when you followed the evil ways of this present age. . .We too were once of their number:  we all lived our lives in sensuality, and obeyed the promptings of our own instincts and notions.  In our natural condition we, like the rest, lay under the dreadful judgement of God.  But God rich in mercy, for the great love he bore us, brought us to life with Christ even when we were dead in our sins; it is by his grace you are saved. Ephesians 2:1-5

As I daily work out my salvation (Phil 2:12) there’s a battle going on between old sin zombie me and real alive in Christ me.  I have to remember my own duality, my own tendency to fall back into the trap of my sinful nature.  There is tension here.  My salvation is complete.  I have died with Christ and been born to new life.  I am also being transformed from glory into glory and transformation is a process.

There is a need for vigilance because if I’m not careful Zombie Elanor, with her old habits of sin and selfishness, would like nothing more than to catch me napping.

1.  Where’s your head at?  I’ve heard it said that our most important sexual organ is our mind.  If you’re thinking about your to do list or really anything expect for the person in front of you, you’re not doing it right.  So where’s your head at when you’re sitting in the pew?  Are you thinking about what groceries you need to buy?  Or are you worshiping a holy and awe inspiring God?  By getting your head in the game, the whole experience changes.

2.  Just go with it.  Sometimes we’re just not in the mood.  Your kid just threw a tantrum; you’re exhausted so it wouldn’t be that great anyway; life is really hard right now so it’s difficult to find the “right” emotions.  But as surprising as it is, if you let go of these excuses, allow yourself to get caught up in the moment, you’ll find that the experience builds upon itself.  Intimacy builds intimacy.  As you allow yourself to participate in the experience, the experience brings its own rewards, and what began as routine can blossom into ecstatic romance.

3.  Commitment.  In his book Sheet Music, Dr. Kevin Leman writes, “If you’re not willing to commit yourself to having sex with this person two to three times a week for the rest of your life, don’t get married.  Certainly, pregnancy and sickness and a few other unforeseen problems will alter this–but in general, to get married is to commit to a regular time of sexual intimacy.” Worship is not optional, and it shouldn’t only happen once a week.

The relationship between a man and a woman in holy matrimony is a picture, a reflection, of the relationship between Christ and the church, so maybe it’s not so crazy to compare worship to sex.  It is a time where intimacy is deepened, a time of refreshment and renewal.  How great is it to let down our barriers, strip off our clothes, and be present with the one you love.  The One who loves you absolutely.  Let’s worship like newlyweds.

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shined.  -Isaiah 9:2

Good things are hard to see in the dark.

Imagine a handful of hungry people in a huge ballroom with no light.  Somewhere in the room there is a small table with bread and wine.  What are the chances that they’ll find it?

One of the great wonders is that our awesome and infinite God often chooses to reveal himself in the finite, the insubstantial, the easily overlooked.

The cry of a newborn baby in a stable.

Bread and wine on a table.

So easy to overlook.

And so it is in every moment of every day.  God is here, inhabiting the small and the humble.  But we hurry from moment to moment and forget to see.  We forget to dwell now, be still, know God.

But God, in his mercy, was not content that we should rush past him, so he lit a star.

The star which they had seen at its rising went ahead of them until it stopped above the place where the child lay.  At the sight of the star they were overjoyed.  -Matthew 2:9-10

This Advent we celebrate the grace of a heavenly father who sets a candle on the table that holds the bread of life.  So that we, huddled in the darkness, can run to him unafraid.  We can eat and drink and be filled.

At the sight of the star we are overjoyed.  For it is a sign of mercy, of grace, of love.  We are not left to wander in darkness.

May your light shine in each moment of each day, and may Christ be seen in Christmas.

A link to more blogs about Advent.

To be born so that we all might be born again.

I think of my pregnant friends; their bellies stretched to hold a growing child.  The promise of life waiting to be fulfilled.  It’s here but it isn’t.  Like the Kingdom brought to Earth by a tiny babe.  It’s here, but it isn’t.

I look at my husband as he holds our children.  I see their eyes, all the same, the soft cheeks and red noses of winter and my heart explodes with love I’ve never known before.  A gift I can’t deserve.

Her tiny voice reminds us as we get ready to leave.  “We should do advent before we go.”  So we gather, we light the candle, “Promise!” she declares, we sing, and tonight her warbling soprano joins us on the last word of each line.

I know that she is catching the Christ and I rejoice.

After yoga we lie in the dark room with our eyes closed.  I pull on my long sleeved shirt to keep  me warm.   It’s the shirt my daddy gave to me several Christmases ago.  “JOY!” it proclaims on front and back, a seasonal gift for his JoyJoy.  In the still room I meditate on the 23rd Psalm, on the rod of the Lord, that breaks my legs so that I will not stray.

My heart aches for a hug I will wait the rest of my life to receive.

This is what it means to be fully alive; to feel full joy and to feel full sorrow and to be grateful.

This Christmas I know the promise is here, but there is more to come.

For more blogs about Advent click here.

I’m determined to do better this year!  Since we won’t be traveling anywhere for Christmas it should be a bit easier.  We’ve already made plans to meet up with Carly this Sunday and take some pictures, and I’ve been scoping out the cool designs for Christmas cards over at TinyPrints.

I first discovered TinyPrints when they gave away free Father’s Day cards earlier this year.  You can upload your own photos and create something really personal.  I was able to surprise both Andrew and his Dad with a Father’s Day card featuring them!

I think my favorite cards are the ones that are designed to be Christmas ornaments.  How brilliant is that!

On to the plan for this week:

Monday:  Confession, last week we somehow managed to cease and desist all dish doing late Wednesday evening.  By Friday evening the kitchen was officially declared a national disaster area.  So did we roll up our sleeves, clean up our mess, and make dinner as planned?  No.  We went to Olive Garden.  It was delicious.  Even though we had to wait 40 minutes for a table the baby didn’t cry the whole time we were there.  I returned home a renewed woman.  We all need to be wined and dined occasionally.  (This was also the evening that Milo ate an entire bowl of baby oatmeal and slept through the night for the first time in two weeks- praise ye the Lord, hallelujah!)  So messy kitchen or not, I was one happy mama.

This Monday we will be having the vegetarian burritos that we did not have on Friday.  ahem.

Tuesday:  My sweet mom, who I think happens to be one of the most supportive mommas on the face of the heart, decided to support our recent vegetarian habits by sending me a recipe for Sweet Potato Chili.  We will be making a double recipe as a friend from church recently had eye surgery on her only seeing eye.  With four small kiddos at home she clearly needs some culinary loving.  I’ll be whipping up some cornbread cupcakes to go along with the chili.  I learned that particular trick from my husband’s family.  You buy a box of jiffy corn muffin mix, and a box of jiffy yellow cake mix.  You follow the directions on both boxes and combine the two.  You end up with something that tastes a lot like the cornbread you’ll get a boston market.  But you have to remember that each cornbread muffin you eat is like eating a cupcake!

Wednesday:  We will be trying out a new recipe on our small group this week.  It’s one that the amazing Carolyn Turneau included in the compilation cookbook she gives to young brides whom she mentors, and well, probably anyone who asks for it.  The recipe is originally from the Moosewood Cookbook; but since they live in the Czech Republic, she’s adapted it for the local chef.  You know you’ve always wondered how to say “black bean” in Czech!  I’ve copied it below.

Black Bean Chilaquile

No, we don’t know how to pronounce this Spanish word either, but it is one of our favorite recipes from Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites.  It will make your vegetarian friends happy.

2 – 3 medium onions, chopped

1 Tablespoon olive oil

4 – 6 medium tomatoes, chopped

one can cooked black beans (černe fazole), drained.  If you cannot find black beans you    may substitute a can of kidney beans (červene fazole)

1 package of frozen corn

The juice of one fresh squeezed lime (limeta).  Use a lemon if you cannot find a lime.

1 teaspoon of salt, more or less, to taste

½ teaspoon ground black pepper

1 package of frozen chopped spinach, cooked, with liquid squeezed out of it

1 – 2 bags of Tortilla chips, Nacho cheese or plain, crushed

240 grams (1/2 lb) of cheese, cheddar or a mixture of javor, zlato valec, eidam (but not      eidam alone, it doesn’t have enough taste!)

1 jar of Mexican style red salsa

Heat your oven to 200ºC/ 350ºF.  Sauté the onions in olive oil for about 8 minutes.  Add the tomatoes, corn, black beans, lime juice, salt, and pepper and continue to cook another 5 to 10 minutes until everything is hot.

Meanwhile, cook the spinach and squeeze out the extra liquid.

Prepare a casserole dish by lightly oiling the pan.  Put half of the crushed tortilla chips on the bottom of the pan.  Put all of the sautéed vegetable mixture over the chips.  Sprinkle on about 2/3 of the grated cheese.  Put the spinach over the cheese.  Spoon on half of the salsa.  Put on the other half of the tortilla chips.  Top with the rest of the cheese.  Bake for about 35 – 40 minutes until the cheese is bubbling and beginning to brown.

Serve with additional salsa and sour cream (zakysaná smetana) or white yogurt (bilỳ jogurt).

Thursday:  I’ll be pulling leftovers from the freezer.  Chipotle sweet potato corn chowder, one of our favorites, and easy to adapt into a vegetarian meal.

Friday:  I found a new, highly experimental pizza to try this week.  This whole wheat autumn pizza has apple and gouda on it.

Saturday:  We’ll be driving up to DFW for the 9th annual gathering, and we’re really looking forward to it.  Andrew and I recently discovered the heaven that is pumpkin pie, actually made from a real live pumpkin.  So that’s what we’re planning to bring.  I’d link to the recipe but I’m not sure which one he used.  I do know we substituted eggnog for the condensed milk, because eggnog is the secret ingredient.  We’ll also make a mince-meat pumpkin pie with the mincemeat we made and canned last year using this recipe.

Sunday:  I guess Sunday is just the enigma of the week, since, once again, I still don’t have a plan.  We’ll be in Dallas, and we’ll have a family photo shoot with the incomparable Carly that day.  Perhaps we’ll have the Tilapia and Asparagus dish that Amy recommended last week.   Or maybe we’ll put something in the crock pot to be ready when we return from our picture taking antics.  We’ll see

Happy eating!

I was recently inspired by this Ted Talk:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/graham_hill_weekday_vegetarian.html

The gist of it is that he understood all the benefits of being a vegetarian but could never convince himself that this would be his last hamburger.  So he’s a vegetarian during the week and an omnivore on weekends.  So all of the dinner recipes during the week will most likely be vegetarian.  It’s not a hard and fast rule (Rori and I still eat Turkey sandwiches for lunch) but if nothing else it’s been a great boon to our grocery budget.

Without further ado:

Monday:  A friend of ours shared some of Pioneer Woman’s delicious corn salsa with us.  The recipe is from her cookbook, but she’s got a different corn salsa online here.  The plan is to combine the salsa from the book with some iceburg, romaine, black beans, and avocado for one delicious salad.  I’ll serve it with some cheese quesadillas.  (you always need something to help you push your salad onto your fork)

Tuesday: Healty Sweet Potato Skins.  This is a new recipe for us, but it looks good!

Wednesday:  We’re hosting small group this week so I’m cooking for a lot of people.  I looked and looked and couldn’t find the recipes I’ve used in the past for black bean soup.  (I combined a couple of them last time I made it).  So the plan is to get out the crockpot in the morning, put in 5 cans of rinsed black beans, add some celery, onion, carrots, garlic, green pepper, a couple de-seeded jalapenos, some chickenstock, and maybe a bit of ham that we’ve got left over in the freezer.  I’ll let it cook all day, then add some seasoning (probably cumin) and blend it till it’s smooth.  Then add 1/4 cup of sherry just before serving.  (If anyone’s really interested let me know and I can write down exactly what I do on Wednesday and post it.)

Thursday:  We’re having Indian food.  (I made this a couple weeks ago and froze half) Vegetarian Tikka Masala  I’ll make a fresh batch of rice and we picked up some naan from the grocery store.

Friday: Homemade vegetarian burritos.  Cook spanish rice according to directions with a jar of salsa.  Once cooked, add a can of refried beans , and a can of corn.  As you make each burrito, top filling with shredded cheddar cheese.

Saturday:  Mom’s spaghetti sauce.  (This was also made previously and will be pulled from the freezer- I love doing that!)  Saute onion and garlic, cook a pound of sausage in the same pot, add a giant can of crushed tomato, a regular can of tomato sauce and a small can of tomato paste, and a cup of red wine.  Sprinkle italian seasoning on until it covers the top of the ingredients.

Sunday: no exact plans yet, but I’m thinking fish.  Maybe this favorite recipe for panko crusted salmon from Annie’s Eats.  I serve it with a bag of microwave green beans and microwave wild rice and call it a day.

Let me know if this is in any way helpful or interesting, because if it is, I’m far more likely to do it again.

Love and joy to all.

In general Halloween decorations kind of creep me out.  I can get behind the Day of the Dead and celebrating our ancestors, but I don’t really get celebrating ghosts and graveyards, or are we just celebrating being scared?

What I love about Halloween is the costumes, the candy, the friendliness as we isolated Americans fearlessly knock on our neighbor’s doors.  Once a year we are sure of a friendly reception at the homes of complete strangers.

And it occurred to me that I could totally get behind decorating for Halloween if it was less spiderwebs and tombstones and more like creating a costume for your house.

For example, this year Rori will be dressed as Angelina ballerina, so keeping with that theme we could turn our front porch into a stage with footlights, a balance beam, and red velvet curtains.

Wouldn’t it be so fun to go trick-or-treating but instead of going house to house, go from desert, to barnyard, to pirate ship, to circus?  Wouldn’t it make Halloween a little more wonderful?

I seriously love this idea.  I don’t suppose it’s possible to convince an entire culture to change the way they celebrate a holiday, is it?

Well, I’m putting it out there anyway.  Just think about it.

Andrew and I had discussed Rori’s birthday breakfast, and decided that pancakes were in order. However, we both came to the conversation saying, “I was thinking about what I would make for Rori’s birthday breakfast.” So we both left the conversation thinking the other person would be making breakfast. The day started with Andrew waking me up to say goodbye and both of us feeling sad and confused that the other one hadn’t made breakfast. Andrew realized he could stay a bit longer and he and Rori made pancakes while I got dressed, so it all worked out.

Every Thursday I take the kids to Hill Country Bible Church for a Biblical Womanhood class. I braided Rori’s hair, and we all got ready. I misremembered what time it started (even though I go every week), the end result being that even though I spent all morning thinking we were running half an hour late we actually arrived right on time. Rori had been at Hill Country on Monday night and taken a pretty bad tumble in the play area, resulting in a busted lip and lots of ice and tears.

On our way to church Thursday morning, Rori started saying that she didn’t want to go. I tried to remind her about all the fun things she’d be doing but it didn’t help. When it came time to drop her off it was the worst drop off we’ve EVER had. I took 30 minutes of her her sobbing and clinging to me, before one of the brilliant childcare workers asked Rori if she would help her go blow up some birthday balloons. So thirty minutes late, turned into right on time, turned into thirty minutes late.

After Bible study finished, we had some errands to run, so I thought it would be a fun birthday treat to go to chick-fil-a for lunch and spend some time playing. Everything started out so well. I got a table right next to the glass partition that separated the play area, so that I could sit with Milo, who was asleep in his stroller and watch Rori play. She finished eating her lunch and went to go play while I sat and finished mine. She climbed to the top of the equipment and was ready to go down the slide when I saw an older girl (she looked about 5) start hitting Rori over and over again on her head. Rori tried to push her away and the older girl shoved back; all of this happened at the very top of the play area. So I’m at the door trying to keep an eye on Milo and my purse while yelling at the girl to stop and trying to verbally coax Rori down the play equipment. An employee stood by my table for me so I could go help Rori. I don’t need to tell you that I was furious! I had a huge adrenaline rush and I was holding my sobbing daughter while asking every parent I could see if that girl in the polk-a-dots was their daughter. Finally the girl came down and I started asking her where her mom was. She just stood there and pointed vaguely out the door. Finally her mother showed up (she’d been on the other side of the restaurant) and removed her daughter from the playground. All the other parents were shocked and said they’d never seen anything like that happen before. I talked to a dad who’d been sitting in the play area for awhile and he said the girl had been bullying and pushing several other children as well. I guess Rori was just the first one to fight back.

I held her for awhile, and once she calmed down, we all went into the play area and she went down the slide a few more times. My brave girl! Now it was time to run errands. Rori loves shopping and she’d outgrown her tennis shoes, which are a bit of a necessity. So we went to Kid to Kid (a resale shop) to see if we could find some. I was also looking for a lightweight jacket since she’s outgrown that as well, and had no luck finding either item. While I was shopping Rori ran up needing to use the potty. We went to the bathroom and then continued to shop. Milo was getting a little restless but as long as I held him from time to time he was fine. Then all the sudden Rori came awkwardly running towards me with pure distress on her face. She needed to poop. Scratch that, she had pooped. I hadn’t brought in the diaper bag, so I had no wet wipes, and it’s been such a long time since Rori had any kind of accident that I’ve stopped carrying around spare clothes. I had to throw away her panties, and I was so thankful that she’d worn thick cotton tights that day. We ended up with her clinging to me precariously while I washed her naked bottom in the sink to try to get her clean. Milo added his own distraught soundtrack to this entire adventure. I emerged from the bathroom feeling as though I had earned some kind of invisible mothering merit badge.

After all this I was so ready to go home, but we still needed to stop by the grocery store to pick up Rori’s birthday cake. This turned out to be the smoothest part of the day. Milo was content to be carried around in the baby bjorn, and although Rori did not want to ride in the cart, she managed to cooperate without much protestation.

The cake that I was expecting to cost 11 dollars only cost 7. We picked up milk and pink icecream, and a bottle of wine from Cupcake Vineyards.  Because if any day every deserved a glass of wine at the end of it, this was that day.  Both kids fell asleep in the car on the way home, and Andrew called just as we pulled into the driveway. So I was able to give him a full account of our somewhat traumatizing day. He listened with great sympathy, and told me later that he’d had a hard time not laughing when I got to the part about the poop.

We all came inside and once Milo fell back asleep, we all rested till Andrew got home from work. Andrew helped me get the macaroni and cheese on the table. And we all had a nice dinner. Followed by cake and icecream, birthday cards, and new tennis shoes that Andrew picked up for Rori on his way home from work.

Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better, but as I finished my dessert I began to feel distinctly queasy. I went to lay down and as Andrew gave Rori her bath my condition worsened. By the time Rori was in bed I had lost my dinner, and a few hours later I had lost everything else. I had terrible vomiting and diarrhea from around 9 o’clock at night till 3 in the morning. I somehow managed to nurse the baby in the middle of it and wound up feeling extremely dehydrated. We started worrying that we would need to go to the hospital to get some more fluid in me. I wanted to gulp down every glass of water I saw but I had to sip it as slowly as possible for any of it to stay down.

Andrew stayed home from work the next day so that I could rest, and I didn’t get out of bed all day. We had to miss Rori’s birthday trip to the zoo on Saturday, but hopefully we’ll be able to make that up soon. I was able to start eating and feeling better on Saturday and felt fine for Rori’s birthday party on Sunday. (Andrew and friends did almost all the food preparation, and when I did touch anything I washed my hands obsessively just to be safe)

I decided that the day was a long lesson in self-control; to patiently wait while Rori re-acclimatized to her class; to not throttle the budding bully who’d attacked my daughter; to not break down and cry during the crappy clothing store incident; and to sip the water I desperately wanted to gulp.

While I appreciate the lesson, I’m already hoping and praying that Rori can turn 4 with a little less ado.

Mom left yesterday after spending 2 weeks with us.  It was AMAZING to have her here.  She is AMAZING.  Rori kind of freaked out when we told her grandma was going to have to go back to Colorado.  Even as I tried to soothe her, inside a big part of my was saying, “I know, right?!”  She was pretty much just voicing what I was feeling.  It was a little bit sad at times because I think mom and I were both missing dad a lot.  It was just hard to avoid the reality of his absence when there were so many moments every day that I know he would have loved.

Having two kids is a lot of fun.  It’s funny how having kids makes you feel differently about your family.  I remember having the thought when Andrew and I were engaged that Andrew was going to be my new family.  That I did/would love Andrew more than I loved my mom and dad, brothers and sisters, people who had known me my whole life.  I had to get used to the idea.  As newlyweds I had to make a conscious decision to turn to Andrew instead of the family I’d grown up with.  When we had Rori, that became natural and easy in a way it hadn’t been before.  Now adding Milo to the mix, I keep thinking, “I have a real* family.”  It just feels more whole.  More complicated, but more whole.  Like he was missing before, we just didn’t know it at the the time.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that going from 1 kid to 2 kids is harder than going from being childless to have a child.  I totally disagree.  I had no clue what I was doing with Rori.  My life completely changed and I had zero experience with my new role.  I feel so much more confident with Milo.  Not to mention that my body has recovered much more quickly.  (Although that might have something to do with their more than 2 pound weight difference at delivery).  I don’t feel lonely or out of my depth.  I mean it’s hard.  I miss sleep.  You really do have to look out for pee going every which way.  But it’s fun because we are already a family.  Because we are doing this together.

Thanks for putting up with my sleep deprived ramblings.  I hope I achieved something like coherency

*There’s a really funny Cosby sketch where he says that parents of only children aren’t “real” parents, because if something breaks- you know who did it.